Last week I wrote a post borne of an incredibly intense heartbreak that I still feel, and will likely feel for a while. That heartbreak brought about harsh realities for me: I'm too dependent on others for my own happiness, I'm still feeling insecurities from my last relationship, and I can't be a good partner to someone until I've straightened these things out. So I've been working on them. Not only do they provide a good distraction for my heart, but they are giving me a sense of myself again. The girl this boy met in September was the real Brittany, but she wasn't fulled healed yet. And when difficulties arose, those partially healed wounds ripped open and insecurity seeped out. To move on with my life, I need to heal those past wounds.
First, I've been keeping with my fitness routine (I only missed one day throughout all of this, even though yoga was teary-eyed). I struggle to have an appetite when I'm stressed, and haven't eaten much, but I've been replacing nutrients with vitamins and Pedialyte (and water) to keep myself moving. My brain is still distracted during my exercises, but I know the better I begin to feel, the more I will be able to focus. So I'm keeping at it.
Additionally, I went to a church on Sunday with Megan. (Park Community, Near North, If anyone ever wants to join us) While the music isn't my favorite, and the sermon didn't quite hit the depth I was after, I do feel like the Universe had a message for me. The sermon was on the story of Esther (one of my absolute favorite books) and centered around this particular quote from Mordecai: "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" I am here for a reason. Not just physically here, but I am at this point in my life for a reason. And that knowledge will continue to propel me forward.
Friends came from all stages of my life to offer words of comfort and support in the wake of my last post. I heard from childhood best friends, and college friends, and even recent friends from the Skimm'bassador group. I'm busy almost every night this week because so many friends offered support. And I can't thank Kate enough for showing up at my apartment with a tub of Cookie Butter ice cream, taquitos, wine and flowers Thursday evening, and Megan for coming over and watching a bad horror movie (Theta Pi sounds sooo much like Theta Phi) and sleeping on my incredibly firm sofa bed that night so I wouldn't have to be alone.
Coupled with heartbreak (and part of what led to the insecurity and moodiness that preceded it) is a sense of homesickness and maybe even slight depression (seasonal, maybe?) that has permeated my life since May. It comes in waves, and I thought that moving to Chicago and meeting/being with Matt would solve it, but it didn't. And in the end, that's part of what really hampered my ability to connect with not only him, but my friends (new and old) as well. So I'm renting a car and heading home for the long weekend. The loss of my car has made me feel stranded, even though I'm not, and I'm hoping the ease of renting a car and heading home will ease my mind.
And that's where I am now. I continue to focus on healing and becoming the best version of myself, every day.