Though I have realized a lot about myself and where I am in my life from this break up, I would be lying to you all if I said I was taking it well. I'm trying to take it with grace, but twice I've slipped up and sent him a text, just because I miss my best friend so damn much, and I've called my mom sobbing so many times that she doesn't have sympathy any longer.
My mom and grandmother have always lamented that bad times come in sets of three. I thought my heartbreak was #3, but #2 always had felt not quite like a disaster, but more like a setback. Today I realized that my heartbreak was only #2.
#1 was my car accident. It exacerbated my homesickness to new heights and I lost the car to which I was so emotionally attached (the car I had wanted since I was 16, and had gotten in college and paid for myself).
#2 Was my heartbreak.
#3 Was my passport application being rejected, placing a hold on my plans to travel to Paris alone.
I found myself incredibly lost and incredibly confused. My mood swings violently--do I want to have hope to see him again? Do I want to say "screw it" and move on? Do I want to be alone? And the hardest question of them all: Do I really want to rebound?
Given my proclivity to become incredibly attached to everything in my life, animate or no, I finally put my foot down today and decided that no, I don't want to rebound. It will just hurt someone else in the end, and is that really what I want? Additionally, rushing into dating is just a way to avoid what I really need for a bit: to be alone. I was alone in Evansville to disastrous results. I had a genuine flirtation with depression and was in the darkest place of my life. I need to be alone this time and learn to appreciate being alone.
My mom last night reminded me that I can't even rely on friends for this, I need to rely on myself. Only I can make myself happy. Shoving poor, kind-hearted (because I refuse to swipe on assholes) guys in the gap he left and breaking their hearts in a month or so isn't in my character. I'll continue building friendships with the incredibly nice guys I did meet, and the amazing girls/guys I've met through the Skimm and work. But until I'm 100% Brittany again, I'm not ready to date around. I wasn't even really ready to date around when I met Matt, it just...happened. And so this time is for me to remember who I am, and make myself happy.